Dear Walter-of-the-Future,

I write to you now to remind you that I watched large parts of both of UGA's last two basketball games of the 2014-2015 season. Not all, mind you, because I don't really have a strong stomach. I watched just enough to remind myself why I don't ever watch basketball. Especially when UGA is involved.

Therefore, when you come back and read this because you're once again surprised to discovered that you have used a "basketball" tag before (twice! I know, right?) or because tickets to a game in Stegeman Coliseum are incredibly cheap, know that the research has been done. Go play a video game instead.

Don't waste your time reinvestigating this issue, even if UGA does somehow make it past the first round of the NCAA tournament — something that they haven't done in the past 13 years as of this writing. (This is not a prediction that UGA can never improve at basketball. Maybe they will. [They won't.]).

The last time you liked basketball was when when you lived in Lithonia and played pick-up games with the neighborhood kids in Deshawn's driveway. You were the kid that always got assigned to the "good" team because you were so terrible it evened things out. The only thing you were good at was fouling. That's not a skill, it's a liability.

The bad news is that basketball hasn't changed, and you've only gotten slower and fatter. You and basketball have gone your separate ways, and now there's not even any need to acknowledge one another's presence when you pass crossing the street. Have a nice life, basketball.

What I'm trying to say is that it doesn't matter what UGA does. Or the Hawks or the second coming of "Thunder Dan" Majerle. Don't bother watching because you conclusively don't like the sport of basketball. You know how I know? Because I'm you.

You're welcome.

Signed Walter-of-the-Past

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While working, I tend to have the television on but the sound off. Occasionally, I look up and read the closed captioning to see if I'm missing anything. On Saturday night, I looked up and saw this:

That's Atlanta's "11 Alive" 11PM newscast referencing the Georgia Bulldogs' basketball opponents. It's a good things the Bulldogs won. It'd be embarrassing to lose to a bunch of "Florida Gay Toes" in Athens.

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My confession: I've been watching a lot of women's curling in this Winter Olympics. It's hypnotic. Normally when I watch people throw stones, they're aiming for people.

I can't say I'm usually a big fan of women's sports. In most events that are divided between the sexes, it seems to me that the women's game is a watered-down version of the men's. Basketball, tennis, golf, etc. But in curling, the two games seem pretty much the same. Given a choice, who wouldn't rather have a woman sweep the floor instead of a man?

I have a couple of friends who insist on using female avatars when playing video games. Their logic has always been that they would rather look at the female form rather than the male. That may be true for my curling viewing as well. If I'm going to watch someone cradle stones all night, that someone might as well be a woman.

In the past, I've known men who watched gymnastic events because they thought the female gymnasts were sexy. Generally speaking, gymnasts are tiny things with overdeveloped muscles. Personally, I prefer athletes who wear glasses, like the girls of curling. Glasses are sexy. Don't deny it. You know it's true.

Anyway, after 2 weeks of watching curling, I think I have a pretty good grasp on the game. Too bad I'll forget it all before I see my next curling match in 2018.

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This LSU/Georgia game was probably the most exciting game I've seen in Sanford Stadium in the past decade.

I mean, I've seen some great games. Back when Tennessee was still the team to beat in the early 2000s, the atmosphere was electric. Before Cam Newton destroyed them, Auburn games always had a great atmosphere. I seem to recall that Steve Spurrier's first year as coach of the Gamecocks was a fantastic game. This one beat them all.

ESPN's College Game Day was in town for the game (the third time since I've had season tickets), and the fans were really worked up hours before kickoff. The crowd was on its feet making noise almost continuously for all for quarters. I screamed my head off, and I thought I was going to be sick when LSU got the ball in the final 2 minutes down by 3 points. (The Georgia offense scored nearly at will, but the secondary couldn't stop anything. It was terrifying!) I don't know that I've ever been so exhausted after a game.

In fact, the whole night was just crazy. UGA head basketball Mark Fox dressed in body paint to hang out with the student section. Former UGA golf star Bubba Watson tried not to upstage his wife, former UGA basketball star Angie Ball Watson, as she was celebrated between quarters. Olympic gold medal winner Allison Schmitt was among feted members of the SEC champion UGA swimming/diving team. After the game, David Pollack danced with his kid in the end zone as Mark Richt sought out and hugged his wife. When Aaron Murray came out of the locker room for an interview with ESPN (on the northwest corner of the field after the game), the rest of the team came with him. They lined up single-file to hi-five the crowd still trying to leave the stadium. I've never seen anything like that.

It was all pretty damn awesome. This is why I attend football games.

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The Miami Dolphins kicked off their 2012 season today in an opener against the Houston Texans. I know that you have read my constant rants against the Dolphins and how bad they are going to be for weeks months years, so I'll let Gregg Rosenthal of NFL.com do the talking here:

This game was actually close until the Dolphins offense imploded in the second quarter. They turned the ball over four times in four possessions including three Tannehill interceptions. At one point, they turned it over on three straight plays. It's going to be one of those kind of years.

Tannehill, it seems, never got the memo that he shouldn't throw the ball at people who aren't wearing Dolphins jerseys. The rookie looked worse than a typical rookie, throwing multiple passes at Texans linemen who tipped them in the air, turning our passing offense into the football equivalent of a basketball's jump ball.

The team surrendered 21 points in 1 minute and 53 seconds, a feat I wouldn't have thought possible if I hadn't seen it myself. When a reporter asked our brand new Head Coach what could stop the Dolphins' unprecedented string of turnovers, Joe Philbin replied, "halftime." If Joe Philbin is channeling John McKay, does that make the 2012 Dolphins the 1976 Buccaneers?

Here are a few more John McKay quotes that Philbin may want to borrow for some of the upcoming 15 remaining games in 2012:

• "We didn't tackle well today but we made up for it by not blocking."
• "We stunk. We blocked bad; we were terrible on defense and our kicking game made up for it by being absolutely horrible. I saw nothing that delighted me. We ran on the field fairly well."
• On coaching: "You do a lot of praying, but most of the time the answer is 'no.'"
• On experience: "If you have everyone back from a team that lost ten games, experience isn't too important."
• On his post-season chances: "Three or four plane crashes and we're in the playoffs."
• On his team's execution: "I'm all in favor of it."

Memorize these, coach. It's going to be a long season, and I'm going to need something to distract me from your team's performance.

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The fellow who pays me to open Magic cards was disappointed that I didn't mention him by name in my last post. That fellow's name is Randy, and this is my way of apologizing for not mentioning him earlier.

Randy loves to gamble. He'll bet on anything. That's not to say that Randy has a problem. I'm sure he could quit any time he could no longer find someone willing to take his money. He's preparing to have a second child, I suspect, because he's already lost the rights to his first kid.

Randy is excited about today's Super Bowl. He'll certainly be wagering on the game. That doesn't make Randy unique: it is estimated that about half of all adult American -- probably the male half -- will be gambling today's game between the New England Patriots and New York Giants. And like Randy, most of those bettors will be gambling not on the game's outcome, but on its details.

Proposition bets are wildly popular, Randy assures me. These "prop" bets are for the outcome of curiously specific events. Randy's personal favorite prop is to gamble on whether the first turnover of the game will be a fumble or interception. (Randy prefers fumble, but interception is the big favorite. [Actual outcome: interception]) Other examples of props for Super Bowl XLVI:

• Will Tom Brady's first pass of the game be complete, incomplete, or intercepted?
  (Favorite: incomplete)[Actual: incomplete]
• Will Eli Manning throw a touchdown pass in the first quarter of the game?
  (Favorite: no) [Actual: yes]
• Which quarterback will throw an interception first?
  (Favorite: Manning) [Actual: Brady]
• Will more or fewer than 2.5 players attempt a pass during the game?
  (Favorite: fewer) [Actual: fewer]
• Which team will cross the 50 yard line on offense first?
  (Favorite: Giants) [Actual: Giants]
• Will any player draw a penalty for excessive celebration after a touchdown?
  (Favorite: no) [Actual: no]
• Will the jersey number be of the first player to score a touchdown be higher or lower than 80.5?
  (Favorite: lower) [Actual: lower (80)]
• Will the Patriots convert a 4th down?
  (Favorite: no) [Actual: yes]
• Will the first missed field goal of the game miss left, miss right, or be blocked?
  (Favorite: miss left) [Actual: none missed]
• Will the color of the Gatorade dumped on the winning coach be yellow, orange, clear, red, green, or blue?
  (Favorite: yellow) [Actual: purple!]
• If Tom Brady's son is shown on TV during the game, will he be wearing a Tom Brady Jersey?
  (Favorite: yes) [Actual: not shown]
• Will Kelly Clarkson's bare belly be showing when she sings the National Anthem?
  (Favorite: no) [Actual: no]
• Will Madonna wear an NFL jersey or shirt at any point during the Super Bowl halftime show?
  (Favorite: no) [Actual: no]
• Which number will be higher: the gross passing yards accrued by Tom Brady plus 63.5 yards or the number of points accrued by the college basketball teams of Michigan, Michigan State, Minnesota, Illinois, and Northwestern on February 5 minus 63.5 points?
  (Favorite: even) [Actual: Brady]

I think Randy was going to tell me that the last bet is a sure thing for Brady, but he barely got through reading it when he excused himself to make a phone call. Don't worry, though. I made sure that he paid me in cash as soon as he came back.

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I woke up on April Fool's Day to find the following text message:

From: Fike -- Breaking news and i wanted to be the 1st to tell you. Pennington tore his acl playing basketball. You may be free of him for good now

Of course I immediately assumed that Fike was pulling an April Fool's Day prank on me. As you no doubt know, loyal reader, I am no fan of professional quarterback (recently employed by the Miami Dolphins) Chad "Noodle-Arm" Pennington. As I said on August 11, 2008:

It's not that I hate Pennington, I just don't see him as the answer to any of our many questions. He's old, his naturally weak arm is practically nonexistent after several operations, and he was unable to provide enough leadership in New York last year.

Replace "New York" with "Miami" and everything about that above statement is still completely true almost three years later! A joke about the health of Pennington is tailor made to get my goat, and that scumbag Fike knows it. It'd be just like him to ruin my day by getting my hopes up that Pennington was truly finished as a pro quarterback.

However, it seems that maybe I should have given my good friend Fike the benefit of the doubt. Both the Associated Press and the Miami Sun-Sentinel are reporting that Pennington really did injure his ACL in a pickup basketball game on Thursday. Hooray!

Seriously, I do wish Pennington the best possible recovery, but I really, really hope he takes the hints his body is trying to send him and hangs up his cleats for good. The Miami Dolphins don't need his help; they are already bad enough without him on their roster.

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If you didn't know that assists, rebounds, and free throws were basketball statistics, this article from the sports section of my local Newnan Times-Herald (page 7, Dec. 9, 2009) newspaper would be really confusing.

Scratch that. It's really confusing anyway.

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The annual NBA Slam Dunk competition has become dominated by Superman. Last year, Dwight Howard won after doing a Superman-inspired dunk. This year, Howard added some "S-shield" emblazoned Adidas shoes to complete the heroic motif. However, he placed second to Nate Robinson, who wore day-glo green "Krypto-Nate" Nike shoes.

If their names didn't already give it away, the order of finish would make Adidas the "hero" and Nike the "villain" in this particular comic book. (As all comic readers know, the villain always wins in Act Two in order to increase the drama heading into the third and final act.) And I think that sounds about right. Adidas, you may not be number 1, but anyone competing against Nike fights on the side of angels. (The enemy of my enemy...)

My only problem with all this is just how ugly those Superman shoes looked. I thought they stopped making shoes that hideous in the 80's. It could be argued that Superman's costume, too, is a little out-dated (argued by others, not me; I like to wear my underwear as outerwear), but if he were ever to change, I doubt it would be into those. Those are the sorts of loud shoes we'd expect to find on the fashion-challenged Trickster or Crazy Quilt. By comparison, they make the Rainbow Raider's costume look stylish. Only Bizarro would say that these shoes look good.

On the upside, criminals such as the Ten-Eyed man would be easily incapacitated by the mere awfulness of those shoes appearance. Although, come to think of it, the Ten-Eyed man was never that difficult to defeat anyway, so maybe that's not so much of an upside.

Sorry, Adidas, it's back to the drawing board. Hopefully, when you return for Act Three next year, you'll be able to unveil the hero's triumphant new look for the winner's circle.

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As you may have heard, Georgia is in the midst of a drought. Yesterday, our Governor, Sonny Perdue, led a public prayer for rain on the grounds of the state capital. Amusingly enough, the prayer was protested.

Sure, I might have problems with state sponsored prayer. But I've really got better things to do than to protest against people praying for rain. I mean, where's the up side in that protest? If you're right, and faith shouldn't be invoked to solve the drought, how do you propose that we force the atmosphere to deliver us precipitation? If you're wrong, and appeasing a higher power is what is required to make it rain, you've doomed us all. In either case, by raining on this parade, you're not helping to make it any more wet around here.

Now that it's raining a day later, clearly proving that prayer works (sorry all you people who lost loved ones to disease, God doesn't love you as much as he loves Sonny Perdue), those same protesters are no doubt worried that solutions to other local problems will be sought with prayer instead of legislation. Maybe God can prevent a recurrence of the perfect storm that led to Genarlow Wilson becoming national news at Georgia's expense. Or maybe God can decide what to do about the pesky problems with Atlanta traffic jams. Or potential construction costs and controversial plans for the Hartsfield-Jackson airport expansion. Or what to do about putting too much salt on a police officer's complementary hamburger. (Or even police officers who arrest people for putting too much salt on their complementary hamburgers.)

Hell, why don't we just go ahead and put God to the ultimate test: see if he can make the Atlanta Falcons football team have two consecutive winning seasons for the first time in franchise history. (That's asking for just 18 wins over two seasons.) Or what if we pray that the Atlanta Thrashers hockey team wins a game in the playoffs? (They were the best team in the regular season last year. How hard can it be to win one post season game?) Or, if we're looking for a real challenge, how about giving the Atlanta Hawks basketball team a .500 or better season. (Not only hasn't this happened this century, the Hawks' playoff record makes the Thrashers appear to be over-achievers.)

I'm not asking for miracles here. I'm just looking for Atlanta professional sports to not suck. That doesn't seem nearly as hard as making it rain, does it?

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